My heart’s gonna burst right now. The lashes are just so strong. The Cubao brethren might have likely known some parts of what I’ve been in the past few months. I don’t usually open up that much especially in public situations because I want to feel the happiness of people around me, have a taste of joy, and I don’t want to taint it with the burden I carry. Sometimes, the drama just doesn’t fit to the occasion. In business, it is a cardinal rule not to lay out all your cards, but I need to vent out this burden that I am carrying. This will be a very long one, my apologies.
July this year, my youngest sibling was diagnosed to have congenital scoliosis. We ended up spending a lot for her medication. And while I can still cover the expenses, the emotional worry it brings upon me impacts my job performance. Early October this year, my younger brother was rushed to the hospital for a possible tetanus infection. I had carried these concerns while trying to perform best at my work. Suddenly, a huge blow hit my heart.
While we are still recovering from these medical emergencies, Mom was rushed to the hospital for mild stroke. I was at work then and I have to leave as early as 10am to rush fast enough to attend to my Mom. When I arrived at the hospital, I was informed that her sugar level was at 420 and she is partly paralyzed from neck down. It was a heart-breaking four days in the hospital. During the second day when I was left attending early morning, I need to assist Mom in going to the toilet. Being a heavier woman than I, we fell both on the floor with her dextrose still on her arm. So we had no choice but to assist her in putting the tray to help her defecate and urinate. During that moment, I wanted to break down and cry. I saw Mom’s tears going sideways down her head as she lies down her bed, she never told anything about it. She just instructed me to wipe those. But I knew in myself, she was crying. It was very heartbreaking. I can never fathom doing those things for her being under 50 years of age. That would be not surprising if she was 80s or 90s.
During the third day, it was my turn to return to hospital after having just 6 hours of sleep, I was almost got into an accident. However, the lad beside me was hit and rushed to the same hospital where Mom is confined. On the last day of her confinement, my heart was pounding when we were about to be discharged at the hospital. I am very anxious that I cannot cover up the medical expenses after the public health insurance and my corporate health coverage failed to cover most of the expenses. But thank God, I was able to cash out the remaining amount and until now I am still trying to replenish the amount. The medication is so costly and being me as the capable one among us siblings, I know I have to shoulder the expenses.
Three weeks later, Mom was slowly recovering then. My younger bro which was the one who had rushed earlier due to possible tetanus, attempted to take his life by cutting his wrist. Mom was not yet strong enough to walk and rush him to the hospital. When Mom called, I was worried that it might have been too late and we already lost him. So I went home to check him out. Much as several of my friends advised me to have a hear-to-heart talk with him, Mom advised not to do it as an untoward remark might trigger him again to take away his life. It is a known fact for us that my younger bro has grudges towards me being compared to me when we were young, and with how our lives turned out so far. I never competed with him. And if life would eventually be better for him than mine, I would be proud of him.
Few weeks later this early December, Mom again called me that his mom (my maternal grandmom) and his stepdad (my maternal stepgrandpa) were both rushed to the hospital just one day apart. It was reported to me that stepgrandpa almost gave it up and started seeing his deceased relatives. Mom asked if I could extend some assistance, but I cannot due to the latest emergencies we had.
The Friday before I headed to Malaysia, I was informed by my immediate supervisor that my proposal for promotion at work has been flagged by the human resources department due to some issues. Just as I am already excited to travel and see the brethren out there, I was crushed to know about the news. The psychological diagnosis was that I am unfit for the new role. The HR sent a letter to my supervisors to justify my promotion and I was asked to submit my own action plan to justify the raise.
Heading to Malaysia, I left all the burdens here in the Philippines and just enjoyed the time out there. But one key takeaway from the camp is that holiness and walk with God is more valuable when shared with brethren in the faith.
So now, being back here in the Philippines and from work, much as I wanted to shake off the worries when I am at my room and have some rest and not worry everything. All that I tried to set aside are now crushing upon me.
Just so you know, Mom, Younger Bro, Youngest Sibling, Grandma and Stepgrandpa are relatively doing well since I went home for Christmas yesterday. At each stage of those trials, God is undeniably working. I suppose the torrent of events and worries are taking its toll on me, even affecting my work.
As my pastor said, the coming year might be for good or bad. However, I do beg God that He grant me peace of mind. I am still yet not strong enough to face new challenges. While every one of us are joyful with the holiday season, I knew in myself that this Christmas and New Year will be a different one for me. I don’t know what the next year will bring. I am asking for your prayers for God to keep me in this battle. How I long to be with the new heavens and new earth, but I am still here in this sinful world. I can only pray to God for my family to receive the salvation I also had from Him.
If these events are meant by God to make me stronger, I must say this is a very tough formation. The Father has His reasons and He knows a lot more than I do. I trust in His plans for my life, tough as it may come. If He will be gracious to grant me a longer life, I am sure that He got more challenging stuff for me. I don’t complain for He is Sovereign over my life. Perhaps I am just vulnerable enough now that another major crashing event will probably bring me down even more.
This year has been a great ordeal for me, feel free to talk with me. I need the brethren more than ever. To God be the Glory!